12 agosto 2010

My Ironic Italian View On American Lifestyle - Vol. II

36. To definitely nulify the African national debt, Bono Vox should stage a new Live Aid with Onu’s delegates who sing his songs in harmony with poor children. The auction’s revenues will be used to buy condoms for the prevention of U2. ©LM

37. I’m 13 years old and tonight I’ll hang out with my girl, but her parents have forced me to sign an agreement in which I promise to stop at first base. My divorced parents don’t agree and they have modified the agreement: thanks to my father, I have the right to second base too because I pay for dinner and the movie; according to my mother, I have the right to proceed directly to “home base”, so my girlfriend gets used to injustices at an early age. ©LM

38.Thanks to low-cost flights, I could stay engaged with Svetlana despite 5000 miles of distance. Now I can afford business class, but I prefer shorter journeys. ©LM

39. One time my shrink suggested me: "Less pills, more human relationships", as he unselfishly taking off his pants. ©LM

40. Quote hypothetical that Hugh Grant may have said: "It's funny but as always, heterosexuals look for transvestites and shemales, drag queens and feminine men, while gays want a macho man, like Divine Brown". ©LM

41. Euthanasia is the legal system adopted by governments to cut pension funds. ©LM

42. For a first date in Manhattan, the blue collars take the subway, the white collars the cab and CEOs limos but each of them is identical in three things: no credit card limits, and a fresh Hiv Test to show to the new tranny they're dating. ©LM

43. According to a survey, Americans rarely read books because they don't trust anything that has no expiration date. ©LM

44. Ohio. A 40 year old unemployed woman, who has been in a coma for two years, suddenly wakes up and says: "It's all Oprah's fault. I did it because I was dying to talk to her. The coma was the only way to reach her and ask for a job". ©LM

45. In restaurants along the Louisiana Bayou customers have more and more demanding palates. After Petroleum Gumbo menus are now featuring fresh shipwrecked corpses. ©LM

46. I found out that in shopping malls they use mirrors which make you look fatter. The reason? It's not to entice you buy more, but to make you feel depressed, in order to  make you to buy more and more. ©LM

47. A scandal raised in Manhattan for the decision of the local PolyAmorous GLBT Community to promote a new home service for sexual customer care for the disabled. Hundreds of fake disabled, blind, crippled and Italian men based in the Big Apple have applied for this service. ©LM

48. Brand New Twitter Update Status. After "What are you doing?" and "What are you thinking about", comes "Who gives a shit!". ©LM

49.  I've been selling dartboards with the pictures of your favorite enemy for years. What's hot now? After desperate housewives, metrosexual brokers, black comedians, and gay muslims, good old fashion Southern fun... White People and Obama dartboards. ©LM

50. My video "How to get noticed without doing anything" has been viewed by a million people. How? I didn't post the video of the owner of Youtube owner in which he licks my nipples. ©LM

51. After the death of my brother in a car accident, it was really touching to meet the guy who survived thanks to my brother's brain donation, unfortunately shortly after our introduction he was too killed in a car crash. What can I say? The same  shithead! ©LM

52. Yesterday I took Viagra and my wife took a birth-control pill. After four hours of uninterrupted sex, I decided it's better to have a kid and keep dating other women who are satisfied with ten minutes of standard sex. ©LM

53. A wise man once said "You'll stay a poor man if you only know 500 words, and will get rich if you know 5,000." So explain what happened with the millionaire like 50Cent? ©LM

54. Working drastically reduces the number of times that men think about sex during the day. At night, their wives make them completely forget about it. ©LM

55. Quote hypothetical that Stewie Griffin may have said: "Every man is potentially a gay because fucking with his own woman is a duty, but lying with his friends is the real pleasure". ©LM

56. Dallas. A young boy realized his family inheritance is going to the NRA, so he decided to shoot and kill his father. The NRA reproached the heinous act, but they are optimistic they will be able to recover the inheritance once the boy gets out of prison to finish the job on his mother. ©LM

57. When I was born I was separeted from my parents for a couple of days in an incubator. I definitely showed my independence very early! ©LM

58. Facebook is the third-largest state in the world, after China and India. FB sovereign Mark Zuckerberg wants to reach the top at any cost and so he decided to corrupt Chinese and Indian government to do it. He called this practice:  to add a friend. ©LM 

59. New York. Optimism is back after economic crisis. A bunch of jump-start brokers opened a customer service call center for Hindi millionaires who don’t know how to spend their revenues. ©LM

60. "I love fetichism, mutilation and pain: in a word, fashion". Quote hypothetical that Andrew Cunanan may have said. Cunanan is the man who shot and killed the Italian fashion designer Gianni Versace. ©LM