11 agosto 2010

My Ironic Italian View on American Lifestyle - Vol. I

1. Yesterday people were famous for 15 minutes, today for 15 seconds, 
tomorrow for just $15. ©LM


2. My Californian girlfriend's favorite books are "Siddharta", "Jonathan Livingstone seagull" and "The Alchemist". With this kind of tastes, I think I’m going to dump her and her book at the next bookcrossing bench. ©LM 

3. I gave a pack of free tickets for bumper cars as a gift to my employees, so they could relieve some stress. The next day, their car insurance company threatened to sue me because they went to the fairground and crashed their cars. ©LM 

4. The incredible ease at which we are accustomed to record anything at any moment makes superfluous memories. I surely read a phrase of this kind, but where? ©LM

5. The presentation of a political program is the most long-awaited 
moment by electors to decide who will govern them. 
The one less awaited: the analysis of the program. ©LM

6. What is it like living in New York in the 21st century? More or less like the slaves of ancient Egypt, except all New Yorkers want to be the owner of pyramid. ©LM

7. My boss promised me a promotion if I refrain from having kids. The vasectomy hasn't worked: I got her pregnant and I lost my job. ©LM

8. After a year of posting my parent's sexual encounters on the web, my parents stopping paying me when they figured they can get rich by posting it themselves. ©LM

9. Michael Moore announced his new doc "The Unfair Welfare". This time he has to find out why Obama uses taxes paid by Americans to build schools 
and hospitals in the Area 51. ©LM


10. All my girlfriends' mother were always so concerned with my nails, hair and shoes... My only concern was how I was going to bone these milfs, not their daughters. ©LM

11. I closed all my Internet accounts and now I go out everyday. There is a little one problem. Nobody speaks to me if I don't add them as friends on Facebook. ©LM 

12. One of my dearest friend is a Christian comedian. He is so politically correct that he has to hire a stunt-man for the vulgar jokes. ©LM

  13. Frisco is the world capital for one way tickets. After many years, the Golden Gate is still the ideal place for a suicide. ©LM

14. One out of every five Americans believes in UFOs, but one Ufo out of five doesn’t believe in Americans. ©LM

15. In the US there are about 150,000 laws: unfortunately nobody has passed one to force the respect of all others. ©LM

16. According to a survey, we spend one-third of our lives in bed. Unfortunately it’t not indicated in which position. ©LM

17. 85 percent of Americans don't have a passport, the other 15 percent export democracy. ©LM

Abu Ghraib

18. I spied on my daughter's Facebook wall and I realized that she isn't mine. What a bitch! I divorced a liar. Wait a moment! Yeah, finally I have a pretext for not paying anymore alimony! ©LM

19. Eve’s greatest mistake wasn’t taking the snake’s advice but getting married with the first man she met. ©LM

20. Google is not infallible. Its founders lost their wallet but they couldn't figure out how to find it on the famous search engine. ©LM

21. To pick up women, I'm used to going around with children and dogs. When I get done, I drop all three of them. ©LM

22. I have an unemployed friend so unlucky that when he got a role in a porno, 

he was an extra. ©LM

23. I think there is discriminations on against distance-adoptions. Doesn't a Alaskan grizzly have the same rights to be cuddled of a Darfur child? ©LM 

24. Do you want to know what power is? I haven’t brushed my teeth in ten years and nobody told me anything. ©LM

25. When I’m walking I often think to myself that either dogs organized a riot or It’s raining shit. ©LM

26. Google AdSense paid me $1,000 for a video of my cat peeing in the toilet bowl. My attorney advised me I could earn more if it also flushes the toilet. ©LM

27. Men are classified in two categories: pigs and talking pigs. ©LM

28. Care for those around you remembering to have a Tic Tac. ©LM

29. I won the contest for most psychotic fan of Lady Gaga. I had a sex change thanks to the penis gifted by the winner in the category most normal fan. ©LM

Lady Gaga

30. According to a survey, 70 percent of women don't reach orgasm by penetration. The other 30 percent have only heard about it. Orgasm. ©LM

31. I’m sure somewhere in the universe there’s a bodymate who’s waiting to reject me even before my first move. ©LM

32. For my 15th birthday, grandpa gave me a pocket of Viagra. I guess for the next 80 years I'll give him my under age fiancée. ©LM

Hugh Hefner

33. MIT researcher recently announced a sensational discovery: the kleptomania gene. After a few hours, the result of discovery misteriously disappeared in the lab. ©LM

34. This guy was so intellectual that he preferred to read her lips 
instead of kissing them. ©LM

35. Steve Jobs is to the I-Phone what an Apeman is to rope. Both forever nerdy and alone without Cheeta. ©LM